Wanting More

The last couple of weeks have been difficult as my mundane life seems to be crumbling under my feet. I fear the next step will be the weak spot that will make everything collapse, yet moving forward is the only way out, for staying in one spot will surely bring my downfall.

Because of this my spirituality has begun to take a backseat. I still do my daily prayers but have done nothing more to reach out. Although my room is in the middle of some serious cleaning to make room for the ancestors and forgotten dead shrines. But I want more. Something’s missing. What else can I do besides prayer and meditation? This question has been on my mind even prior to shit hitting the fan in my mundane life. I feel like the answer is so simple yet just out of my grasp.

I’ve been working on divination techniques, seeing if that is what is missing. Divination has always interested me and it’d be nice to have another way to communicate with the Divine. Recently I’ve tried my hand at pendulum divination. And it has not gone well. Maybe I’m not doing it correctly but the damn thing refuses to cooperate. I’m thinking of moving on but I don’t know what to. I have no desire to do Tarot. The urge has never been there, even in my fluffier days and everybody was doing it. Tarot just holds no interest for me. Runes… I’m going to mainly glaze over right now because they will be getting their own post later. There’s like a million different divination techniques out there but I can’t seem to find any that either A) interest me, or B) are actually plausible for me to do. Or maybe divination isn’t what I’m looking for right now. We’ll see.

I apologize that this post is a little lacking. I spent like an hour staring at the screen thinking “What the hell am I trying to say?” Hopefully the next post will be a bit more fleshed out.


Celebrating the “Wrong” Holidays

A long time ago when I was in middle school I overhead these two girls next to me talking about some Atheist they knew. One of them mentioned “But they celebrate Christmas, you can’t be an Atheist and celebrate Christian holidays!” and had a good laugh.

And to be honest it really pissed me off.

And for a quite few years I didn’t know why. I wasn’t Pagan, or an Atheist or a Christian, or anything really back then. Religion wasn’t discussed in my family. My two older sisters went to church with their father every Sunday* and I was always thankful I never had to go. That was about the extent of talk of religion in my family. So I didn’t know why that comment by my classmate annoyed me so much.

Then it began to fall together when I began to study and get into Paganism. I celebrated Christmas and Easter with my family and still do today. But back then I was much more new and insecure and confused about what it was I believed in. I fretted that celebrating these Christian holidays people would think I wasn’t a “real” Pagan. And that’s absolutely ridiculous. As mentioned above my family isn’t religious, however I believe my parents fall into the lapsed Christian category. Either way, here is an example to demonstrate my pitiful lack of knowledge on religion when I was a child: during Christmas most of our decorations were of Santa Claus and snowmen and the typical commercial images of Christmas. There were the few excepts, the main religious decoration was a statue set of the Nativity of Jesus. When I looked at it as a child I always thought “What does this have to do with Christmas?”.


My family doesn’t celebrate holidays in a religious context. There might be religious symbolism in certain actions or items, but these things are simply tradition. For me these days are family holidays. They’re rare moments my family can get together and have a good time.** My family celebrates the commercialized holidays. So since religious beliefs aren’t really included I see no reason to separate myself from them. And even if there were what am I going to do? Lock myself in my room and be like “Sorry, that’s not my religion. I’m just going to not be a part of this family for today.” Seriously? Besides I see open Pagan circles all the time where Pagans of all strips can come join in the ritual or feast or whatever, and nobody blinks twice at those! I mean if you personally don’t feel comfortable being a part of your family’s celebration on the holidays and wish no part of it, than that’s fine. But excluding oneself is no more right or wrong than joining in the celebrations. So I strongly believe that celebrating Christmas or Easter with family doesn’t suddenly make you any less of a Pagan/Atheist/Whatever.

*My two older sisters are half-sisters, they have a different father.

**I know most people dislike the holidays because of relatives but I love it for that reason. My family gets along, we have fun together. It probably helps by the fact that my family is pretty small.